First 7 days of Emilia's life

One week old.... or 26 weeks and 5 days in gestational age.
She was quite stable for the first 5 days or so. All the doctors and nurses said she was so feisty and active. She was very active when she was in my tummy too. She used to kick so hard at the fetal heartbeat monitor.

But to our dismay, after one weekend of so many attempts of IVs and PICC lines all over her body, the doctors said she seemed to have gotten some kind of infection.
She seemed to have lost the willingness to fight. She became so lethargic and limp. We were so furious. Just how many needles does this baby need to endure? And now because of that, they think she has sepsis...? Suspected sepsis - now this brings on more poking: blood test, spinal tap, etc.

Whether related or unrealted to sepsis or PDA, her deteriorating condition made her step down from CPAP to HFO nasal prongs on her 6th day and then finally to a ventilator on the 7th day. When they told us it would be better to intubate her, I broke down. The doctor and respiratory therapist thought I was crying because I considered this a step backward from CPAP. No. I was devastated because of the pain that my baby would need to go through with the tube going into her nasal cavity down to her throat and chest. Her cries would now be silenced.

Infinite guilt clouds my heart. If only I were able to carry her to term, she wouldn't need to go through all this. She was supposed to be sleeping and playing around in my tummy, not poked, intubated, taped, and monitored in a noisy bright NICU.