My pregnancy, my baby

Just as I was about to celebrate the beginning of the third trimester of my pregnancy, I was admitted to hospital on May 25 due to threatened preterm labour. All the doctors told me it was very likely that I was going to deliver in the next few days. Only I didn't think that was going to happen because I was not experiencing any labour symptoms - no cramping, no painful contractions, no bleeding, and no fluid leakage. All I had was what I thought were Braxton Hicks, which is just tightening or balling up sesation that is normal around this time of pregnancy. A neonatologist came to my hospital room to tell me a million bad things that my baby would face if she was born that day. I was also going to be transferred to a hospital with Level III NICU - any hospital in Ontario that had a bed available. Luckily Mount Sinai in downtown Toronto had a bed freed up the following day and I was transferred by an ambulance.

I was on hospital bed rest for 5 days without any issues. Then on May 30, I started feeling very mild cramps. Just in case, I let the nurse know and she started monitoring the contractions. During the monitoring period, I got again what I thought were the normal Braxton Hick tightenings, about 3-4 times an hour. I thought the nurse would look at the graph and then take the monitor off my tummy so that I could eat my dinner and carry on with my day. Contrary to what I thought, she wheeled me to Labour and Delivery and asked L&D to observe me until they could confirm I was not going into labour. I began to feel nervous but still believed the cramps were due to the round ligament stretching and the contractions were just Braxton Hicks. After a vaginal exam, I was declared 6cm dilated. I was in shock. How could this happen - I was on bed rest for the last 5 days! Then the cramps got much worse than before and I started to bleed - perhaps from the exam. I was still hoping it was a false alarm. They would probably wheel me back to my room. Then, around 11pm I was moved to another delivery room, which was right next door to the NICU team. NICU visited me again to discuss what they would do to my baby. Anesthesia visited me to discuss different options for pain control. In between these talks with different doctors, the intensity and frequency of the pain was increasing. Finally the reality sank in and I knew I was in labour. By 5am, the pain became severe and it came every 10 minutes. By 7am, the pain was just unbearable and it came every 5 mintues. I was beginning to sob uncontrollably.

What was more agonizing than the pain was that I had to deliver this baby. I could not undo this situation. I could not halt it or delay for a few more days. I felt so lame that I could not even meet my first goal of reaching 28 weeks. I felt so guilty that my cervix was not strong enough to hold my baby longer. At 8:37am, my baby girl finally arrived. She was crying, she was breathing. I rejoiced and cried too.

I was only 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant that day. I didn't even get to finish my second trimester. I didn't even get to wear all the maternity clothes that I had bought 2 weekends ago. I had taken photos of my baby bump only once, on the day I reached 24 weeks. I hadn't even read the final sections of "What to Expect" book. I hadn't even had a baby shower yet. Eun and I hadn't even picked out a name yet. My pregnancy ended so abruptly and, sadly so did my baby's peaceful time in my womb. We now have a long journey ahead of us... an incredible one it will be when we look back at the end of it. So here it is, a blog I am going to keep for my baby girl, born without a name.